Love Stinks!

Personally I hate to intercede. I'm not sure internet-outsiders can have enough information for your specific situation.
Just hope that it works out for everyone involved. Sorry to hear it.

Really I appreciate the feedback. I think that of the half a dozen or so folks I talked to IRL they are about 4/2 opposed to the idea.

I can't speak to your problems or your marriage, of course, but in any relationship that I've been in such a course would be fatal. Once the words are spoken, once the concept is perceived as acceptable, I can't imagine that any troubled relationship wouldn't deteriorate fast. But I'm not exactly Dr. Phil, and have been divorced to boot, so what do I know?

All the same disclaimers. Can you find time/space to be apart, at least mentally, to work out your problems without announcing it? Like a trip to visit a relative, a church retreat, etc.

IANDP (I Am Not Dr Phil) but...

All depends on how you word it, Stan (the same thought has floated through my head upon occasion).

If it's worded along the lines of "I need a break - and if I enjoy the break I think I'll make it permanent" then it's likely to be a self-fulfiling prophecy.

If it's more along the lines of "I really want our relationship to work and to do that I need a time out to fix my shit up because you/we deserve better" it may not blow up in your face.

However, it's not just what you say, it's how she interprets it. If she is likely to interpret whatever you say as the former rather than the latter then it's not a good idea.

(unless of course you've both been putting off the inevitable and acknowledging you're better off apart - in which case it's maybe the right thing)

Clear as mud?

What Tony said (speaking as someone who had a trial separation that is now ending in divorce).

As for the kids, I think it depends on their ages, the nature of your relationship with them, and how you intend to make the separation work. In my case, K took the position (and I agreed) that if it really was going to be a trial separation, rather than simply a separation as prelude to divorce, the kids' lives should be disrupted as little as possible. This meant that I was at the house a lot (probably three out of five evenings during the week, and substantial parts of both days on the weekends); in our case, it also meant actually not telling the kids about the separation (which kind of worked because I was around the house so much). Long-term, this is not sustainable, of course, but I think it can kind of work short-term, at least for the kids. The biggest drawback, though, is that it kind of defeats the purpose of the separation--I found that I didn't actually have the time and space I needed to sort through my own messes and issues.

One other observation: I don't know of very many separations that haven't ended in divorce (indeed, the only ones of which I know involve second-hand knowledge; all of my friends and/or co-workers who have separated have divorced).

Thanks guys. Appreciate the feedback. The more I think about it the less good it seems would come out of it. Fact is once upon a time I did travel a lot more for work, and that did have some psychic benefits to me -- sitting in an airport or on a plane it was pretty easy to get my head into a place that I could have the time to sort stuff out before I'd talk things out, and now, even though Chicago area roadwork has doubled my commute, my thoughts are coming out pretty unfiltered. It is like the difference between trying to clean you car with sandpaper vs polish -- scratches are pretty hard to fix ...

Things are still much better than they were at their worst, but I really l wish for things to get much better much quicker, separation probably not the right way their...

I replied, but did not post this last night....

You should destroy something(s). Go skeet shooting, or whatnot. Destroying might relax you.
Come on down here.

HULK Must SMASH...

I have the emotion a lot when I am stuck in traffic. Happened a lot less frequently on airplanes. Imagine that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/19/2010 12:50PM by stan adams.

Having previously lived in Chicago, it taught me to not complain about the relatively fantastic traffic here.

Just a factoid - about ten years ago my parents had a trial separation. More accurately my mother walked out on Dad and stayed with friends for 3 months.

Dad kinda lost the plot but at the end of it they had a "reconciliation" (after Dad had a nervous breakdown) and they haven't looked back since.

Dad promised to cut back at work which was all my mother really wanted and now they're (mostly) much happier. They're also both on anti-depressants now too.

YMMV...

My sister has been with her boyfriend-turned-husband since I think 7th or 8th grade. So 74 or 75-ish.

Thanks for data point Tony. I can certainly understand some of what your folks went through, and I suspect that with the shear amount of time that modern life seems to consume I am amazed that more folks don't cope worse...

I've seen the successful reverse of separation work for people I know. In their case that reality was not what they wanted. Your mind can invent all sorts of "my life would be better" scenarios, but often, it's the same life but alone.
As a successfully divorced man, I may not be a great source of advice. But I do know that for things to work out both sides need to be able to talk and be able to listen. That's not easy. Try adding a layer of distance. Sounds counter-intuitive, but I've found that my partner and I can type things that are difficult/embarrassing to say in person.

I am better at expressing myself in written form - and following some advice I have written "letters" in the past. Made sure it was worded tactfully, not making accusations etc etc ("I feel that" rather than "you do this" etc).

Blew up in my face - will not try that ever again.

YMMV...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2010 01:31PM by Tony Leggett.

Yeah, I've done that. Nothing nicer than having deep, heartfelt thoughts read back to you in an argument three years later. I prefer my emotions preserved in a more transient medium than paper.

DPBD!

I'm currently reading this book and learning about why I'm a whiney little doormat.

Apparently I can blame my parents (cool!)

man, my first read through that post, I thought you were declaring you're a whiney LIBERAL doormat. :)

Tony, suffice it to say that you have had bigger obstacles than all of us combined, I'm willing to bet, to get to where you are today with your life.
It's okay for there to be some reliance on others, even if to the point where your trust might create some issues. One day at a time.

I'll say this: I'm proud of you. And I'm proud of your cute, little creation you've partnered in making, too. The rest is icing. Find some things every day (hour?) to smile about.

Tony: Wanna see something funny -- I was reading this: http://www.amazon.com/Shut-Stop-Whining-Get-Life/dp/047177345X/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1274718398&sr=1-1-fkmr0

Basically a "motivational speaker's take on cognitive behavioral therapy". Synchronicity?


Oh, and on the letter writing? I tend to agree that clarity is better and the potential for written communication to be more effective in getting to 'understanding' is definitely there. The practical difficulty is that putting pen to paper (or keyboard or what have you) often does not lend itself to brevity and seems to invite a sort of dissection / legalistic view.

Mrs A and I have found that relatively short notes, that are limited in scope, and very heavy on the metaphors / similes / analogies of what we are feeling can be VERY helpful for us to mutually understand what we get hung up on. That said, it is certainly NOT a cure-all by itself and we still have PLENTY of opportunity to allow both our own wildly over active imaginations "road to ultimate conclusions" to get the that better of us AND to completely miss the point of how important a particular emotion might be in the grand scheme of things.

To put in bluntly one of the things that we both found hugely attractive in each other is that we operate on a lot more 'full throttle" emotionally than either sets of our parents ever did and as our kids get older we really realize that somewhere between the complete "Ken doll" tucked-in -ness of our parents the rawness of how we've been expressing ourselves since we first fell in love is much more likely to result in long term happiness of all of us. Not sure if this counts as a breakthrough, but certainly an acceptance that valves / filters can be very helpful and desirable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2010 07:42AM by stan adams.

I think text/communication is inherently poor at discussions which can have an emotional investment.