Love Stinks!

Your words, however sad, still have a positive outlook.

Good luck, Baha.

i do what i can. personas are one thing, real life is another. thanks for the kind words. we'll see how this all plays out. can't be worse than the train idea.

I admire your objectivity, Baha. It was years after my divorce before I was able to be even close to objective. I hope things go as well as they can, under the circumstances.

Indeed Baha, it's really nice to read that you are both planning for better times, without making each other's life miserable first.

Sounds like you know how to handle this, so you're ahead there at least. I hope it doesn't hurt anyone any more than it has to. Rooting for ya.

The process sounds terrible, but it looks like the outcome is something that is beneficial for all. You've done the hardest part, which is look inward, and that will help you move forward. Best of luck. Too bad you aren't in LA anymore, I would buy you a drink.

thanks mokers. i could use one. then again, i'm also cutting WAY back on the drinking. i wasn't like some of my friends but 3-4 drinks a night EVERY night is not healthy long term. that i did that was an indication of my problems. in my marriage. i'm down to 1-2, going to head down to 0-1 when i'm apart.

I dunno, Buster doesn't seemed bothered by smoking and drinking. 14 fags and 7 pints a day.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/article884439.ece

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/buster-martin-101-year-old-marathon-runner/3544494324

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/check/player/sol/newsid_7210000/newsid_7212000?redirect=7212013.stm&news=1&bbram=1&nbram=1&nbwm=1&bbwm=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZQnc7LvMJA&feature=related

fuck. not a good night. for whatever reason, i'm just falling apart.

maybe it's because we actually had a good day together? it gave me a glimpse of what it could be? or maybe what it was even a month ago before shit hit the fan?

arrrgh... well this too will pass.

sorry, baha. but it's going to be like that for a while. like a degrading sine wave -- one day will be a good life, the next day it'll all feel as fresh as the initial hurt. but it'll subside (that's what people are telling me, at least).

but you know what you're doing, and know that that future is a chimera. you may be two good people, but not good together in an intimate bind.

ddt

and weirdly, yesterday wound up turning into something really good. but that's fucked up.

ok, folks, now it's time for you all to REALLY FUCKING HATE ME.

here's the deal, full disclosure (relatively speaking)

my wife and i (we have both admitted this) haven't been in love in YEARS. it probably ended before we had kids, maybe during the process, i dunno. it's sad. we should have called it off years ago.

anyway...

i had been feeling depressed and out of love for years. i am not kidding that for a long time i just wanted to step in front of the commuter rail train .

same with my wife (no surprise, minus the commuter rail thing).

so it happens that a few months ago a friend of mine and i began working together on some projects and having the time of our lives.

we just clicked. we order the same food, we think the same about work, life, music, the way we listen to music, computers, EVERYTHING. We are so fucking identical its scary. (yes, we both hate everyone).

and then it happened. one day she said she was going to cheat on her partner with someone else. i said, why the hell would you do that with him? what about me?

and that was it.

since then, we've gotten to know each other really well.

everything clicks. never have we met anyone like each other. it's terrifying.

her relationship fell apart irrevocably last week.

meanwhile everything I said is true. i have a marriage that HAS fallen apart. my wife knows this and is the willing to admit this.

i want my wife to be happy. i love her (this is not the same as being in love) and always will.

i want to be happy.

this is so fucked up. i never thought this would happen (with my new partner or with anyone). i may appear like an asshole to you guys (and I am), but i don't go fooling around!!! and so this was all wrong. against all my best intents (did i mention my partner was a lesbian until a few weeks ago? i guess that should explain how fucked up all this is).

(can we please add a to these forums? or at least this one? this is already wigging me out saying this shit in half-public... unlike the old forums)

everything i've said is true. the marriage had fallen apart. we've both agreed this is a disaster.

i thought i had it all figured out. get out of this relationship. keep the second on hold until it was time.

then last night after a long drive by myself listening to red barchetta and stuff like that, i came home, accidentally woke up my wife. i put my arm around her and we kissed. that's all. we agreed this was the first time in well over a year that we felt in love.

we're so different on so many levels, my wife and i, but 20 years... you are in a special place with someone like that... and then there are my kids. i should never have had kids, but my wife wanted them. and i love them dearly. i'm not a good father and that tears me up because my father was a shit. i'm not as bad (i hope) but i'm not what i want to be.

i'm starting therapy tomorrow for the first time in my life.

let's see how that goes.

i'm a fucking wreck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2008 03:17PM by bahamut.

wow, baha. i can't really offer advice on what to do (especially with all these new added variables), but i can tell you it's not always going to be like this. everything passes.

glad you're trying therapy. you can look at this time to be for figuring out who/what/which you are, and work towards being the person you want to be.

a shrink said to me, "you didn't only lost your love, you lost your future". and it's so true. our identities, for better or worse, are at least partially defined by and intertwined with our partner's. and you have to slough that part off. it can feel like gnawing your leg off to get out of a trap.

you maaaaaaay want not to jump right into another relationship just yet... . at least this isn't your pattern.

this is not some fucking men-beating-drums-in-the-woods support group,

ddt

i know. it's not like me to jump into another relationship. on the other hand ? it just kind of happened, you know? and it's not like it isn't there.

the problem is that for a variety of reasons, the new relationship seems the future. giving up on that seems like it would be giving up on the future.

therapy will be "fun."

yes, it's not. it's more like a beat on drums in guitar hero, etc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2008 06:40PM by bahamut.

Quote
Baha
(can we please add a to these forums? or at least this one? this is already wigging me out saying this shit in half-public... unlike the old forums)

What are you asking about here?

I'd advise against getting into anything else as well.

You're in a delicate state, so take things slow. Any relationship you have now is going to be a rebound.

ha ha! the code was edited out.

i said index nofollow.

From what you've told us Baha, it seems that you're at a crossing point in your life. Emotions you might have suppressed for a long time are now swinging back at you at full speed, which can be confusing.

I think it's excellent that you've made the decision to go into therapy, as it will help you making decisions. Try to stay really close to yourself, you might have edited yourself out of the equation in the past (stay together for the kids, for your wife, for the outside world) but ultimately it's coming back to you when you're trying to rationalise yourself into a relationship. I've tried that and it doesn't work. Follow your true desires and you'll end up as a better father, ex-husband and lover.

Ouch, Tony.

But actually tliet's right, so maybe not so ouch?

Thumbs up on the therapy Baha. Its tough but I've found it helpful.

ton, i really like how you put it -- edited yourself out of the equation. i'm having a hard time getting any response when i try to send out a sonar ping, trying to find myself.

ddt

Good luck Baha. I can't really relate to your situation, but you made a good decision to get therapy. It doesn't work for everybody, but it sounds to me that you are open to exploring yourself and that is where you need to start.

I will say that sometimes it is too easy to pick up on the first surrogate that replaces what you've been missing for a long time, especially in cases where you feel "trapped", for lack of a better word. Take care with how you move forward with this. The closest, safest step may not be the best one over the long haul.

And a lot of people have questions as to how good they would be as a parent. You might not live with them anymore, but you can still make sure they are the most important things in your life. In the end, the rest will work itself out.