Love Stinks!

Quote
Tony Leggett
OK, I have, by far the bizzarest separation of anyone here by far.

Really, it should be made into a movie...

Oh goodness, what now? (Okay if you can't/don't want to tell, just sorry that you have to endure all this).

Personally, I'm back in courting mode (as opposed to court mode). I've gone from last summer's extravagantly emotional woman to one who is reserved to a fault. I mean, I *think* she likes me.And sure, there's some thrill in the chase. But it's all very hard to figure out.

Oh, there's light at the end of the tunnel now. There's even hope it may not be the lights of an oncoming train.

I'll give a very brief summary when everything's finally signed (a blow by blow account wouldn't be appropriate) but as Jeffe would say, "what a journey"...

I find myself here today. Sigh.

To court we go...

So sorry, Tony. I hope it goes as well as possible.

Oh now is where it's going to get really ugly. No more mr nice guy...

I've compromised and compromised and compromised in the hope of a settlement. My lawyer has always said the only way to solve this would be court (too irrational to reason with was his assessment). I've ended up wasting a lot of money in the hope of settling where I should have initiated court proceedings straight away.

Oh well, looks like I'll be putting one of my lawyer's kids through school and my beloved ex will be doing the same with hers. I'm going to sell my car to cover legal fees but I think this is going to sting my ex a lot more than me.

Really annoyed,

TL



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2012 06:16AM by Tony Leggett.

I'm sorry, Tony. I hope your relationship with your daughter isn't compromised by the strife.

chin up tony.
hang in there.

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

This year I asked my (non-working) wife if she could cut back on all the volunteering she does for her congregation and for PTA. I am working my regular job, moonlighting two other projects, and doing some work on a remote family business. This isn't utterly insane, it actually is reasonable, but it's a FULL work week, sometimes well into the evenings and weekends, but not always. She doesn't work, hasn't worked since our near divorce in 2008 when I told her I didn't want her doing a job she didn't feel fulfilled in and that she should find something she loves. She made an effort here and there, but ultimately decided that's too much pressure, so abandoned it. So now she does volunteering. I've given up my one non-profit activity since I couldn't handle it and also do all this other work to pay the bills. Mind you, none of the jobs are hugely paying, but added together, we stay afloat.

The subject has been coming up repeatedly lately since after the storm, I have wound up doing the lion's share of the exterior clean up (thank god i don't have hourly billing or anything and I'm good at what I do, plus people understand but this could blow up in my face still). I asked if she could do some more on that, but no, she's already plenty busy. This pisses me off as it puts me in the position of volunteering to help her projects. It's not even that I'm paying for her to do them, I also have to do work so she can do them. And to top it off, it turns out that she has scheduled a PTA meeting for which we have to come back early from a ski vacation in the New Year (luckily all but work work disappear by then with the year's end for me, regardless, and yeah, I know I'll pull them off, I know myself well enough… so then it's time for our annual family winter break).

So this came up at dinner. She was clearly pissed with me for saying this. Fair enough, but we can't have a conversation about this since they all revolve around her saying I scold her. Ok, fine, so you can criticize me, but when I criticize you, I scold you? Thanks. FWIW, my (male) therapist said that this happens with women all the time.

Alright. Later after dinner I said … OH SHIT (remember, I have ADHD and while I am taking meds, I haven't been getting decent sleep lately for a variety of reasons and that's really bad for my memory… today I nearly got back in the shower after I had taken a shower, shaved, and brushed my teeth, thinking that I hadn't showered yet…)… I had told her we had to choose our insurance and benefits for 2013 by yesterday. I had said this a few times. She handles the flexible benefits forms. It's one of the few things she does in the admin side of things around the house (her dad once said that when he was working hard, his wife took over the books at home… I rolled my eyes… how lovely that would be… nothing doing). I asked her to look over the insurance packages and our use of flex benefits this year and assess where we stand. I called her yesterday, coming back from the therapist to remind her about this… that this was due yesterday and was URGENT. She was huffy … she was off to get her hair cut and colored. She didn't have time to write it down or anything. I said please remember, I'm tired, I can see I'm going to have a tough time with this and I need YOU to do the forms. That was the least either of us remembered until the OH SHIT moment after dinner. We're out at least $1,500 if not more.

Now she realizes how badly she screwed up and isn't huffy anymore, even apologized, but I'm just getting to wits end. This whole persecution complex is just too much for me. I'm feeling like I'm the one who is persecuted. Pleading NOT FAIR.

Maybe we need to see a marriage therapist, although the last time went kind of badly. The therapist was a cretin (we both agreed) and although I went into it thinking I should be diplomatic at all costs, my wife decided to make personal attacks (therapist didn't notice this which didn't endear her to me… then again, we both disliked the therapist for other reasons anyway).

Not saying our marriage is on the rocks, but she is fast using up my good will toward her.

Very sorry to hear it, Baha. FWIW, the quality of marriage counselors varies widely. The one I used for nine months while seeing if my marriage was salvageable was terrible, and took my ex-wife's side all the time (that was not the only respect in which she was terrible, though it didn't help); if anything, the experience eased the path toward divorce (which, ultimately, probably means that it was a good thing). But my sister and her husband went through a very rocky period a number of years ago, and a good counselor helped save their marriage. So it might be worth trying again, despite the bad experience last time.

Is there a Yelp for rating marriage counselors? Somebody I listen to on the radio was seeing a marriage counselor and found out later that the counselor had given his wife the business card of a divorce lawyer. SO not helping.

Quote
John Willoughby
Is there a Yelp for rating marriage counselors? Somebody I listen to on the radio was seeing a marriage counselor and found out later that the counselor had given his wife the business card of a divorce lawyer. SO not helping.

I think Angie's List has the reputation for this sort of thing (reviews of services such as this).

Quote
porruka

Quote
John Willoughby
Is there a Yelp for rating marriage counselors? Somebody I listen to on the radio was seeing a marriage counselor and found out later that the counselor had given his wife the business card of a divorce lawyer. SO not helping.

I think Angie's List has the reputation for this sort of thing (reviews of services such as this).

Good thought, but I doubt Angie's List would be tremendously useful. I just checked the Indianapolis listings, and (a) there are very few (29) listed (my former counselor is not listed), (b) even fewer (11) with rathings, and fewer still (5)with more than one rating (and none with more than three ratings). Better than nothing, maybe, but it doesn't look like a reliable guide.

I couldn't sleep. At 2am, I woke her up and stormed out to the living room. To my surprise, she agreed that things were bad and that she was concentrating on luxuries instead of essentials. Today was mixed. Morning was good, now she's not feeling well (bloating) and didn't give much of a send off (I've left, on train back). It's hard, but I'll try to say she's just sick. Disappointed by this whole thing, but so it goes.

Turns out another pair of in-laws (the ones I get along with better) isn't even coming.

I am hoping that somehow this changes things, that somehow it gets better. I'm optimistic, but I am so often and then have my hopes dashed.

Well, fingers crossed. Her acknowledgment of at least a measure of responsibility for the state of things is a major step, one that many people never take.

It's good that she's aware that there is a problem and it isn't simply YOU. I hope that you can make progress, Baha, I know that you're working hard on it.

as a retired psychologist, i can tell you all that typically, you go through 2 to 3 therapists before you find one that "fits" and that you can work with. therapy is as much art as science, and i encourage folks i talk with to feel comfortable if you are not comfortable with the person you are working with early on... look for someone else... that's not to say that you should always be "comfortable" in therapy, in fact you should not... anything that involves change and looking at yourself can be damned uncomfortable. feeling good about the therapist himself, or herself though is critical...

i hope you all had a great holiday season...

Came back a day early, got a medium amount of work done. My wife came back this evening. I had dinner, not ready, but almost ready. I had the house look better than it was when I got here. Was hoping we could spend time together, but she spent the evening reading. Later said she was in pain. I believe her, but I wish she had reached out earlier about it. Still hoping for a positive trend here…

I could never criticize the ex. She would always accuse me of yelling at her when I tried, and that accusation put more pressure on me to be right. With the deepening depression, I never had enough confidence to sure I was right. So, more stuff piled up and I cared less and less until there was no care left. Plus depression.

I believe her acknowledgement of some responsibility is very important. She's taken the time to see something from your prospective. The trouble is that there is still that mountain of crap that likes to get in the way. All I can say is celebrate the openings but temper the expectations. Keep plugging for the openings so the mountain starts to shrink. This is hard, but the alternatives are really worse.

Thanks, Dave. I realize that it has to be a two way street and that doubtless I do shitty, shitty things too.

I told her the other day that I thought we were like our kids, who clearly love each other but also drive each other mad and kick or punch each other every now and then. She agreed. A positive step.