Love Stinks!

If you're paying support, you're not a deadbeat dad. Sorry things are trending down that path, man.

sorry to hear. keep remembering what positive things you can effect, and there are things you are grateful for.

ddt

Tony that is terrible news. I truly hope thinks start looking up. I do know that being new parents can have TREMENDOUS differences for both the good & bad. And for goodness sake I hope that there were some, uh, pre-natal legal matters hashed out. Would be even worse if you had sort of a Sir Paul thing pulled on you...

Incomprehensible.

no, i can understand. can understand on a date, also w/ in the context of a relationship -- especially if there's history.

good overview, in the middle of the article, about how the whole meta-system of "love" contains three distinct sub-systems: http://www.esquire.com/features/mri-of-love-0609

ddt

Very interesting piece Daniel. Tony, I suggest you really need to talk things over in a different setting with possibly the help of a 3rd person/professional.

Tliet/Tony

My thoughts exactly. If there's an Oz version of Relate (what used to be the Marriage Guidance Council in the UK) they would be worth contacting.

I really hope you guys can work it out..

While there are always times where sex is inconvenient or undesirable for a partner, one has to look at the manner in which this refusal is given. If those words were spoken verbatim, they seem to be either very artless or indicative of a desire to hurt... consciously or not.

also strongly recommend contacting dan savage: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove

ddt

I read Dan Savage regularly and think he is pretty insightful, especially when dealing with his special niche of kinks and alternative lifestyles.

From what TL has said about his personal situation, from the injury, to the settlement, to having a newish baby I am not sure that Dan Savage's under 500 word solution is really the correct course of third party input to seek out.

As someone who has seen "mental health professionals" with their spouse I have to caution that they were no "silver bullet" but going was helpful, if a little time consuming and, on some level, even a little silly / indulgent. I am sure that with the right motivation and prior agreement as to what the goal is (like a 'better relationship' as amorphous as THAT is...) most folks would probably say the same thing...

As I recall we got a referral from another physician and our health care coverage paid for some portion of it and it was worth doing. Another benefit is that you get an excuse to drop the baby off at grandma's or some similar childcare set-up and that, to borrow a phrase from JW, is better'n leaving the youngun with a Barbary pirate...

Scupper me if ye're not slanderin' me Barbary Babysittin' service! Curse ye for a lizard, ye lubberly scum!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/26/2009 11:56AM by John Willoughby.

Sorry, man.

Sorry to hear this Tony. Please forgive my bluntness; is the only reason you're still together the well being of the child?

There are counselors that really don't help couples, some of them are better with individuals. Even if you just go for yourself it can be helpful. Been there too.

I also concur on the counseling route. When things get like this, it usually takes an uninvolved--but interested--third party to help you work things out.

Problem is, finding a good counselor is tough. I've been to several over my life, both for marriage and individual. Fortunately, in that mix, there were two I can point to that really helped me out. Neither one were marriage counselors, but the results helped the marriage. I also ran into one class A jerk. One visit with him was all it took, and I walked out in the middle of that one. Can't tell you how bad he sucked, but apparently he's still in business. Amazing. The worst, though, are the ones that seem interested and helpful, but aren't really, because they are more interested in the money than they are helping you. It sometimes takes a few sessions to figure those out. Then, too, a "connection" with the counselor needs to be there; some counselors are well-intentioned, but personalities don't mix well.

Once you find a good one, though, the results are amazing. Is it worth it? I would say yes. Don't give up on that route. And from what you're saying now. You're not ready to give up on it yet, and it doesn't sound like she is, either. So hang on to that and find someone to help.

Oh, and be honest. Not with her or the counselor. Be honest with yourself. The greatest lies we tell are to ourselves. Those are the ones that cause the most damage, to ourselves and the ones we love.

Good luck!

If there's any chance of looking at your s.o. across a courtroom, be very careful what you post on the internet. Even venting, when read aloud, can sound very bad out of context. (Sorry for the pessimistic tone of this post.)

Good point JW.

Esp. using one's real name. Perhaps tomierna can wholesale-change you to a new alias?

Even then, if they have access to your computer, you aren't safe. Circumspection is advised.

Don't most Aussie males get circumspected when born?