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Madaracs's Avatar Picture Madaracs – January 28, 2008 09:34AM Reply Quote
Formerly Dumb Yocks "A rabbi, a priest, and a nun walk into a bar...."

Do us your worst!

Madaracs – January 28, 2008 09:37AM Reply Quote
Ooh! Scary! Scary! Don't we look mean? You can't see me! But I can see you!
The Riddler: "Before you trip over your cape, Batman--Riddle me this: There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?"

Robin: "There were three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? !!!!

They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter!"

John Willoughby – January 28, 2008 03:07PM Reply Quote
Save us, Lord, from the furries of the Norsemen!
I swear to god that I remember that from the original airing in the sixties.

Madaracs – January 29, 2008 05:23AM Reply Quote
Ooh! Scary! Scary! Don't we look mean? You can't see me! But I can see you!
;-) It's on the very hard to find 1960s re-issue soundtrack they released on CD around the time Burton's Batman.

Cloudscout – January 29, 2008 08:23AM Reply Quote
Det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær!
What do you get when you cross Batman and Robin with a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

(this was a joke told by one of the monkeys as I played Burning Monkey Solitaire last night)

Steve Cordova – November 13, 2008 11:39AM Reply Quote
History passes the first time as tragedy, the second time as farts. - Roy Edroso
From The Field

Quote

One sunny day in late January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.'

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

rino – January 13, 2009 11:45AM Reply Quote
In America, the only respectable form of socialism is socialism for the rich.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

ddt – January 13, 2009 01:45PM Reply Quote
Q: why did god invent WASPs?

A: because someone had to pay retail.

(better told by a jew, to jews)

ddt

El Jeffe – July 21, 2009 04:09AM Reply Quote
What a journey.
And that's how the fight started.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************** **********


My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************** *********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** **********

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive..

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** **********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......


************************************************** *********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and

slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** **********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started

ARL (Moderator) – July 21, 2009 03:40PM Reply Quote
I whinge therefore I am!
Encoré!

rino – July 21, 2009 06:08PM Reply Quote
In America, the only respectable form of socialism is socialism for the rich.
Go watch these for a while. http://oldjewstellingjokes.blip.tv/

ARL (Moderator) – December 13, 2009 12:59PM Reply Quote
I whinge therefore I am!
Company Memo



--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




Company Memo


----------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





Company Memo


------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Company Memo


------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



Company Memo


------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2008

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party



I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo


------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

tomierna (Admin) – December 13, 2009 06:51PM Reply Quote
Hideously Unnatural
As acting human resources director of my small business, I've actually had to field similar emails for our yearly holiday party, Meat Coma.

BTW, anyone near Pinellas Park, FL on the 19th of December is welcome to attend this year's coma!

Cloudscout – December 13, 2009 07:56PM Reply Quote
Det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær!
Sadly, I won't.

I will, however, be in Orlando Jan 15 to 18. This will be interesting. I haven't been back there in 5 years now. I can only imagine how much has changed.

Mokers (Moderator) – December 14, 2009 04:47AM Reply Quote
Formerly Remy Martin
I've always wanted to join Meat Coma. Looks like a worthy event.

ARL (Moderator) – August 13, 2010 08:46PM Reply Quote
I whinge therefore I am!
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

ddt – August 13, 2010 09:08PM Reply Quote
...you forgot the dozen VCs waiting outside, powerpointing action items for monetizing someone else's free labor.

ddt

John Willoughby – September 30, 2011 07:37PM Reply Quote
Save us, Lord, from the furries of the Norsemen!
In my daughter's Spanish class one of the students asked how long a paragraph should be in an assignment that they were given. The teacher said that a paragraph should be like a girl's skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject.

ARL (Moderator) – October 01, 2011 04:19PM Reply Quote
I whinge therefore I am!
Heh...

Madaracs – October 03, 2011 08:42AM Reply Quote
Ooh! Scary! Scary! Don't we look mean? You can't see me! But I can see you!
Nice.

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