Love Stinks! We all know it. This is the spot to get it off your chest. http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,507#msg-507 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 01:58:31 -0400 Phorum 5.2.16 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40344#msg-40344 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40344#msg-40344
Yesterday, I had to sit across from my ex in a court waiting room before our son's accident citation was called. Very uncomfortable for me despite harboring no felicitous feelings toward her. Must have been the depression despite my doing better.]]> Dave Loudin Spork Central Sat, 08 Dec 2012 00:47:10 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40340#msg-40340 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40340#msg-40340 John Willoughby Spork Central Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:08:45 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40337#msg-40337 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40337#msg-40337 El Jeffe Spork Central Fri, 07 Dec 2012 09:13:50 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40336#msg-40336 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40336#msg-40336 Jeff Cooper Spork Central Fri, 07 Dec 2012 06:52:26 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40334#msg-40334 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40334#msg-40334 johnny k Spork Central Fri, 07 Dec 2012 03:56:54 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40333#msg-40333 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40333#msg-40333 John Willoughby Spork Central Fri, 07 Dec 2012 02:23:06 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40330#msg-40330 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40330#msg-40330
Only took two years and three and a half months.

My thoughts/advice for anyone going through a similar situation:

1. Try to negotiate something amicable without lawyers in the first instance. Really give this a good go.

2. If negotiations get bogged down into an impasse - lawyer up and initiate court proceedings. Do not get trapped into the protracted legal batting of letters backward and forwards with offer/counteroffer if zero progress is being made. If you have a stubborn ex, they're just hoping to wear you down. Show them you're not bluffing.

3. If it turns out your ex claims there is a particular sticking point that is preventing a settlement being reached, do not take their word for it - go and fact check it yourself. I could have settled probably 9 months earlier this year if I'd properly verified the claims my ex believed would happen to her tax and family support benefits if she signed a settlement. It turned out that the effect would be negligible.

(4. Conversely, double-check you also aren't making incorrect assumptions about the financial impact of settling.)

5. Move all items of personal property that are not yours out of your home ASAP. If need be, move them to a safe, secure storage centre and forward on a key. (see below)

I won't go into a detailed autopsy of the last two years of my life but I know there were a few occasions where I left cryptic comments about how bizarre things were getting. A couple deserve explanation:

Bizzare Event 1: One occasion I think was around December 2010 - my ex still had some belongings left in my house. One day she called saying could she drop over in half an hour, there was some paperwork she needed for her tax. Being at home alone and not relishing the idea of letting her in to take whatever she damn well felt like, I said I'd call one of my carers to also be here when she arrived, or if it was just paperwork she wanted I could get my carer to gather it and have it ready for when she arrived. Alternatively, she could come over after 6.30pm when my sister would also be home. She was none too pleased with this suggestion, why couldn't she just come over alone etc etc but she eventually agreed to the carer coming. When I called her back ten minutes later to say one of my carers was on her way, my ex said don't bother, she wasn't going to come over now. I cancelled the carer.

Half an hour later my ex arrived unannounced with a friend ... and two policemen. A bit shocked with what to say, I let her in to do her worst. God knows what she told the police but apparently on slow days they will act as a neutral third party in such circumstances to ensure "peace and goodwill". They were fairly good about it but it still is a mighty humiliating experience to have police in your lounge room while your ex ransacks the house. I later learned that I was perfectly entitled to refuse entry unless the police had a warrant but I digress. After my ex left, there were still numerous items of hers still left in the house. Not fancying a repeat surprise visit, all remaining items were moved to a storage locker warehouse and I forwarded her the key.

Bizzarre Event 2: This one was less stressful but certainly more odd. Around March this year we were close to reaching a settlement. There had been some squabbling over the fine print but my ex called me one day to say yes, they agree to settle but there's one thing I ought to know before settling otherwise there's no point.

"Okay" I say, "what's the one thing I ought to know?" - my ex had given birth some time in January as a surrogate mother and did I have a problem with that? My reaction was no, I did not have a problem with that - but at the time I did think the mind does boggle. Thinking upon it later I realised that within the space of approx 6 months of separating from me - she'd made all the arrangements/tests/paperwork, found donor parents and successfully gotten pregnant with their embryo. That's certainly moving on fast...

Good luck to her and especially the donor parents who by all accounts are delighted with their long-wished-for baby. Still, it was very um, unusual...

Anyhow, this will be my last post in this particular thread.

Moving on with my life...

TL]]> Tony Leggett Spork Central Thu, 06 Dec 2012 23:15:04 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40224#msg-40224 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40224#msg-40224
I told her the other day that I thought we were like our kids, who clearly love each other but also drive each other mad and kick or punch each other every now and then. She agreed. A positive step.]]> bahamut Spork Central Tue, 27 Nov 2012 22:30:29 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40218#msg-40218 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40218#msg-40218
I believe her acknowledgement of some responsibility is very important. She's taken the time to see something from your prospective. The trouble is that there is still that mountain of crap that likes to get in the way. All I can say is celebrate the openings but temper the expectations. Keep plugging for the openings so the mountain starts to shrink. This is hard, but the alternatives are really worse.]]> Dave Loudin Spork Central Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:16:16 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40213#msg-40213 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40213#msg-40213 bahamut Spork Central Sun, 25 Nov 2012 00:29:26 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40212#msg-40212 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40212#msg-40212
i hope you all had a great holiday season...]]> psychprof Spork Central Sat, 24 Nov 2012 23:30:57 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40199#msg-40199 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40199#msg-40199 John Willoughby Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:54:43 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40198#msg-40198 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40198#msg-40198 Jeff Cooper Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:35:26 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40197#msg-40197 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40197#msg-40197 bahamut Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:20:12 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40194#msg-40194 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40194#msg-40194
Turns out another pair of in-laws (the ones I get along with better) isn't even coming.]]> bahamut Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:03:29 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40192#msg-40192 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40192#msg-40192
Quote
porruka
Quote
John Willoughby
Is there a Yelp for rating marriage counselors? Somebody I listen to on the radio was seeing a marriage counselor and found out later that the counselor had given his wife the business card of a divorce lawyer. SO not helping.

I think Angie's List has the reputation for this sort of thing (reviews of services such as this).

Good thought, but I doubt Angie's List would be tremendously useful. I just checked the Indianapolis listings, and (a) there are very few (29) listed (my former counselor is not listed), (b) even fewer (11) with rathings, and fewer still (5)with more than one rating (and none with more than three ratings). Better than nothing, maybe, but it doesn't look like a reliable guide.]]> Jeff Cooper Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 14:13:43 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40189#msg-40189 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40189#msg-40189
Quote
John Willoughby
Is there a Yelp for rating marriage counselors? Somebody I listen to on the radio was seeing a marriage counselor and found out later that the counselor had given his wife the business card of a divorce lawyer. SO not helping.

I think Angie's List has the reputation for this sort of thing (reviews of services such as this).]]> porruka Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 12:02:19 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40188#msg-40188 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40188#msg-40188 John Willoughby Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 11:49:50 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40182#msg-40182 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40182#msg-40182 Jeff Cooper Spork Central Fri, 23 Nov 2012 00:35:56 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40180#msg-40180 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,40180#msg-40180
This year I asked my (non-working) wife if she could cut back on all the volunteering she does for her congregation and for PTA. I am working my regular job, moonlighting two other projects, and doing some work on a remote family business. This isn't utterly insane, it actually is reasonable, but it's a FULL work week, sometimes well into the evenings and weekends, but not always. She doesn't work, hasn't worked since our near divorce in 2008 when I told her I didn't want her doing a job she didn't feel fulfilled in and that she should find something she loves. She made an effort here and there, but ultimately decided that's too much pressure, so abandoned it. So now she does volunteering. I've given up my one non-profit activity since I couldn't handle it and also do all this other work to pay the bills. Mind you, none of the jobs are hugely paying, but added together, we stay afloat.

The subject has been coming up repeatedly lately since after the storm, I have wound up doing the lion's share of the exterior clean up (thank god i don't have hourly billing or anything and I'm good at what I do, plus people understand but this could blow up in my face still). I asked if she could do some more on that, but no, she's already plenty busy. This pisses me off as it puts me in the position of volunteering to help her projects. It's not even that I'm paying for her to do them, I also have to do work so she can do them. And to top it off, it turns out that she has scheduled a PTA meeting for which we have to come back early from a ski vacation in the New Year (luckily all but work work disappear by then with the year's end for me, regardless, and yeah, I know I'll pull them off, I know myself well enough… so then it's time for our annual family winter break).

So this came up at dinner. She was clearly pissed with me for saying this. Fair enough, but we can't have a conversation about this since they all revolve around her saying I scold her. Ok, fine, so you can criticize me, but when I criticize you, I scold you? Thanks. FWIW, my (male) therapist said that this happens with women all the time.

Alright. Later after dinner I said … OH SHIT (remember, I have ADHD and while I am taking meds, I haven't been getting decent sleep lately for a variety of reasons and that's really bad for my memory… today I nearly got back in the shower after I had taken a shower, shaved, and brushed my teeth, thinking that I hadn't showered yet…)… I had told her we had to choose our insurance and benefits for 2013 by yesterday. I had said this a few times. She handles the flexible benefits forms. It's one of the few things she does in the admin side of things around the house (her dad once said that when he was working hard, his wife took over the books at home… I rolled my eyes… how lovely that would be… nothing doing). I asked her to look over the insurance packages and our use of flex benefits this year and assess where we stand. I called her yesterday, coming back from the therapist to remind her about this… that this was due yesterday and was URGENT. She was huffy … she was off to get her hair cut and colored. She didn't have time to write it down or anything. I said please remember, I'm tired, I can see I'm going to have a tough time with this and I need YOU to do the forms. That was the least either of us remembered until the OH SHIT moment after dinner. We're out at least $1,500 if not more.

Now she realizes how badly she screwed up and isn't huffy anymore, even apologized, but I'm just getting to wits end. This whole persecution complex is just too much for me. I'm feeling like I'm the one who is persecuted. Pleading NOT FAIR.

Maybe we need to see a marriage therapist, although the last time went kind of badly. The therapist was a cretin (we both agreed) and although I went into it thinking I should be diplomatic at all costs, my wife decided to make personal attacks (therapist didn't notice this which didn't endear her to me… then again, we both disliked the therapist for other reasons anyway).

Not saying our marriage is on the rocks, but she is fast using up my good will toward her.]]> bahamut Spork Central Thu, 22 Nov 2012 21:55:31 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38501#msg-38501 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38501#msg-38501 hang in there.]]> El Jeffe Spork Central Fri, 13 Jul 2012 20:00:29 -0400 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38391#msg-38391 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38391#msg-38391 John Willoughby Spork Central Thu, 28 Jun 2012 12:07:46 -0400 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38390#msg-38390 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38390#msg-38390
I've compromised and compromised and compromised in the hope of a settlement. My lawyer has always said the only way to solve this would be court (too irrational to reason with was his assessment). I've ended up wasting a lot of money in the hope of settling where I should have initiated court proceedings straight away.

Oh well, looks like I'll be putting one of my lawyer's kids through school and my beloved ex will be doing the same with hers. I'm going to sell my car to cover legal fees but I think this is going to sting my ex a lot more than me.

Really annoyed,

TL]]> Tony Leggett Spork Central Thu, 28 Jun 2012 11:14:39 -0400 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38388#msg-38388 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38388#msg-38388 Jeff Cooper Spork Central Thu, 28 Jun 2012 06:47:23 -0400 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38386#msg-38386 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,38386#msg-38386
To court we go...]]> Tony Leggett Spork Central Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:09:56 -0400 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36739#msg-36739 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36739#msg-36739
I'll give a very brief summary when everything's finally signed (a blow by blow account wouldn't be appropriate) but as Jeffe would say, "what a journey"...]]> Tony Leggett Spork Central Thu, 08 Mar 2012 22:01:25 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36727#msg-36727 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36727#msg-36727
Quote
Tony Leggett
OK, I have, by far the bizzarest separation of anyone here by far.

Really, it should be made into a movie...

Oh goodness, what now? (Okay if you can't/don't want to tell, just sorry that you have to endure all this).

Personally, I'm back in courting mode (as opposed to court mode). I've gone from last summer's extravagantly emotional woman to one who is reserved to a fault. I mean, I *think* she likes me.And sure, there's some thrill in the chase. But it's all very hard to figure out.]]> Jeff Cooper Spork Central Thu, 08 Mar 2012 08:41:36 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36725#msg-36725 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36725#msg-36725 El Jeffe Spork Central Thu, 08 Mar 2012 05:31:09 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36723#msg-36723 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36723#msg-36723
Really, it should be made into a movie...]]> Tony Leggett Spork Central Thu, 08 Mar 2012 03:38:43 -0500 http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36495#msg-36495 Re: Love Stinks! http://www.macedition.com/forums/read.php?4,507,36495#msg-36495
...keeping you all in my prayers...]]> ghidorah Spork Central Sat, 25 Feb 2012 06:35:57 -0500